Me: Happy Friday! Thanks for coming.
My debt: I’m always here. 
Me: Oh, right. WHOA! When did you get so big?
My debt: Um… that’s rude.
Me: So is slowly draining me of my ability to achieve a sustainable way of life.
My debt: Oh, that reminds me — I clogged the toilet with your money. You’re gonna want to call someone about that.
Me: Listen, I’ve been trying to tell you something. The bills have been stacking up: electric, rent, internet…
My debt: Yikes, that sounds rough.
Me: You’ve been couchsurfing my life for long enough. Don’t you think you’ve overstayed your welcome?
My debt: …
Me: Hello?
My debt: Sorry, I lost interest.
Me: Really?!
My debt: PSYCH, I’m still at 6.35 percent (and regularly capitalizing).
Me: You’re the worst.
My debt: At least I’m not a mortgage.
Me: But, I could sell a house; I can’t sell my degree.
My debt: I know something you can sell–
Me: What?
My debt: Out. You can sell out. Oh wait, you already did. 🤣
Me: Have you no principles?!
My debt: Do you want me to remind you of my principal?
Me: NO.
My debt: You should be thanking me.
Me: For…?
My debt: Paying for your education, room and board, birth control —
Me: Birth control?
My debt: Thanks to me, you could never afford kids. 🥁 You’re welcome.
Me: Why do I even try talking to you?
My debt: I dunno — because you can’t afford to go out?
Me: You’ll regret this when I have enough in savings to evict you!
My debt: OMG, no one told you? Your savings are dead.
Me: 
My debt: Cheer up. Here: knock, knock.
Me: Who’s there?
My debt: Bill.
Me: Bill who?
My debt: Bill due.
Me: UGH!!! I’m going to get dinner!
My debt: Really? Sounds expensive.
Me: I’m… going for a walk!
My debt: Okay, I’ll be here when you get back!
Me: 
My debt: What? Payback’s a bitch.
Steph Westendorf can be found at @itotallyserious, and her writing has appeared in McSweeney’s and Slackjaw.
Photo by Alice Pasqual on Unsplash.